Happy birthday, Henry
Now words today.
A dear Austrian friend sent me a couple of things so I will share them here as well…
Ich habe einmal die Geschichte gehört,
die sagt, daß es Menschen gibt,
die ursprünglich Sterne am Himmel waren
die zu uns herunter gekommen sind,
… um uns zu erleuchten.
Und wenn sie sterben,
gehen sie zurück an den Himmel
und leuchten uns von dort aus weiter.
Ich weiß nicht, ob diese Geschichte wahr ist,
aber wenn, dann bist Du einer dieser Sterne.
Du hast uns alle mit deiner Ausstrahlung erhellt,
hast in unsere aller Herzen geleuchtet.
Du warst wie die aufgehende Sonne am Morgen
Und wie der leuchtende Stern am Abend.
Du hast uns alle oft zum Lachen
Und nur jetzt einmal zum Weinen gebracht.
Wir sind traurig,
denn wir hätten gern noch mehr Zeit mit dir verbracht.
Aber wir sind auch glücklich,
für die Zeit, die wir mit Dir verbringen durften.
Wir sind froh,
Dich kennen gelernt zu haben,
und dass Du eine Weile unser Stern warst,
der uns geleuchtet hat.
Wir wollen nur ein kleines Stück so sein wie Du
Und davon wieder einen kleinen Teil weitergeben,
damit jeder von uns einem anderem Menschen
ein wenig von dem geben kann,
was Du uns gegeben hast.
Ein kleines Stück Deiner Zuversicht,
daß es weitergeht,
ein kleines Stück Deiner Fröhlichkeit,
damit wir nicht so traurig sind,
ein kleines Stück Deiner Liebe,
um füreinander da zu sein,
ein kleines Stück Deines Mutes
und ein keines Stück Deiner Kraft,
um diesen Kampf zu bestehen.
Aber wir müssen nicht wirklich traurig sein,
denn Du hast uns all das hinterlassen.
Wir müssen nicht wirklich Abschied nehmen,
denn du bist immer bei uns:
am Morgen, wenn die Sonne aufgeht und
am Abend wenn die Sterne leuchten.
A year ago this week…
…I was lying in a hospital bed, spending one of four days labouring to deliver my dead son.
A year.
I can’t believe it!
Where did that time go?
And what a year it has been. So many emotions and up and downs, but here I sit.
A year later and we have just moved house. I feel like we have moved into our dream home. It hasn’t quite hit me yet that this place is really ours. It is gorgeous, spacious, has a lovely pool, and some land around us… a fabulous play room for Gwennie… and place to finally have friends and family come visit and stay with us if they wish.
I have spent a year craving to have another positive pregnancy test, and I finally I feel at peace with not having one.
I feel for the first time in a year that I am really enjoying Gwennie. I am finally focusing 110% on her and it feels so good. I’m not going to drag on myself for not doing that all along… I was grieving, for crying out loud.
I feel content. I have great parents and good friends around me. I have a fantastic husband who I adore. Gwennie is my everything. She is just the dearest little soul… so kind and sweet and funny and I love being with her. I no longer feel like I am lacking in some area.
Yes, I am sitting here with tears running down my face because I am remembering Henry. I hate that we couldn’t keep him. I hate that he is gone. I hate that we won’t be celebrating his birthday. I miss him. I wonder all the time what kind of baby he would have been. Would he have been colicky and fussy like Miss G was for the first 3 months? Would he have been an angel baby? If we had had him and he had been handicapped, how would we have coped? Would we have been good enough parents to him? If he had have survived birth, would he have stayed with us for long or not? So many things.
But I feel relieved to say that right now… a year on and I just feel a sad kind of quiet. No manic yearnings… no anger… no resentment towards other pregnant friends… I am just me.
And I hope to God it lasts because I can deal with this.
So this week, I am lighting my candle every day in the lead up to Henry’s birthday… October 2nd.
Henry, we love you and miss you and we wish you were here, but we hope you are in a better place. You are always with us in our hearts.
I love you, my darling little man. I will never, ever forget you. You are always a part of our family and you always will be.
Thank you…
Just wanted to thank all of you who posted words of support and comfort to my last post. I felt such a turkey afterwards for getting so upset about it, but I just can’t control it and sometimes the overwhelming emotions completely override all logic and reasoning.
Today is a new day and today I put on my brave face again and say… If it’s meant to be it will happen… and if it doesn’t then we already have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I am clinging on to that mantra. Who am I to ask for anything more than that?
I spoke to a friend yesterday who is the mum of an only child. I was shocked when she said to me that some of her friends said she isn’t ‘a real parent’ with an only child. WHAT? Just because you have one child doesn’t mean you qualify to have the parent title? That just blew me away. It just so happens that this friend and her husband are one of the best set of parents I know and their son is AMAZING. He is such a good and grounded and sensible young man.
Don’t some people say the damnedest things? Thank goodness for the wonderful people in our lives who make up for all the idiots! hahahah!
Strength…
Help me. Two more friends who are pregnant. Both considerate enough to email me gently, but even so… I am left feeling like a failure once again. Why does it have to hurt like this? Please make it go away. I feel so alone.
Slacker!
I know I haven’t posted here in forever! It has been a really busy summer and I have felt a real need to take a big step back.
Generally, everything is going great. We had a wonderful trip to North Carolina and then Vegas. Gwennie stayed with GG in the mountains whilst Bill & I ran away to Sin City for 5 days with some friends. It was fabulous… we saw 3 wonderful Cirque shows, ate amazing food, drank a bit, and renewed our vows at the Graceland Chapel with Elvis as our witness!
Since getting home, we have sold our house and have a contract on another one. We hope to be closing on both homes on September 15th! We have a big PackRat in our driveway and are slowly packing all our things up in readiness for the big move! Exciting and scary.
I decided to put my acupuncture plans on hold until we are settled in our new home. I just felt I couldn’t focus on trying to get pregnant whilst moving house at the same time. Too stressful. So I am giving myself an emotional break, although I promised to keep doing the OPKs so that I can get an idea on what is going on with my cycle.
I really felt good about giving myself a timeout. Once again I am surrounded by friends who are pregnant and there are days when that can be very hard, despite my feelings of joy for them. But, although I am exhausted, I am grateful to have lots of things going on at the moment to help keep my mind off my desire to get pregnant again.
Now where is that off-switch again? 😉
Photos from Vegas, anyone?
Just a little taste of the fun!
Distance
I went in for my annual check up at my OBGYN’s this morning. I haven’t been there since we lost Henry last year. It was so hard walking through those doors and see the girls at reception and the nurses and my Doc. I took Gwennie with me, so I was able to focus on her and not burst into tears like an idiot. (“Don’t ask me what I have been up to, for God’s sake!” I think. The first thing they ask, “So what have you been up to?” Ugh. Trying to get over my dead son. Yes, it still hurts like buggery. Thanks.) All looks well on the outside. I did talk with Doc a little a bit about our inability to get pregnant and he said to keep at it for a few more months and if we still have no joy then to come back and see him.
I had an interesting meeting with the acupuncturist yesterday. I really like her. She was very sweet but no BS. She explained a lot to me and it was fascinating to hear what she thought might be the issue. Bottom line is that she has got me on some blood builders as she thinks I am deficient in nutrient-rich blood and once I start my next cycle we are going to meet up for weekly acupuncture sessions. She thinks I am completely tense and stressed post-ovulation and that I am stalling implantation. Fabulous! She has encouraged Bill to come in too. When I gave her his brief medical history, she just raised her eyebrows and said that, basically, more often than not it is a two-way street and that there are frequently imbalances with both the female and the male. Thankfully, I have an awesome hubby who is open to looking into this and hopefully he will go and have a bash at the old needles too.
I know I haven’t been great at writing posts and keeping up with people’s blogs at the moment. I am feeling a need to distance myself for some reason. It’s hard to focus on anything else but our goals right now. It still hurts like hell when people tell me they are pregnant…. and I feel so damned selfish and such a bad person for feeling that way, but I just do. I can’t help it. So I feel the need to protect myself and I do that by closing off to any possible hurtful factors. I certainly know that people don’t want to hurt my feelings. I’m just broken.
It sounds so crazy but I feel like I am in limbo… like I have lost my sense of purpose. If I am not to have another child then I need to get on and do something that brings me purpose and fulfillment. Right now, I am not sure what that is.
I’m baaaack!!!!
Phew! I’m back! I have been for a while actually, but I just have not been motivated to write anything in my blog for weeks.
Gwennie and I had a wonderful time in England. It was so good to see all my friends and family. I felt desperately homesick when I got back to the States. The older I get, the more I miss home. It took me a good week or so to get back into my American way of life again!
I’m finally getting there though and I am over the little funk I have been in the past couple of weeks. I have been a little blue inside. I can’t really describe all the crazy feelings that have been going on, but all I need to say is that yeah, nine months on and I am still not pregnant and I have been emotionally on my rollercoaster contemplating what the hell is going on with me, why can’t I relax, am I not supposed to have another child, for goodness sake snap out of it…. you have beautiful and perfect daughter, blah blah blah. You know how it goes!
I spoke to a couple of girlfriends who suggested acupuncture. I think some of my BLMs out there have done acupuncture too. Any advice and tips would be much appreciated! I am thinking of giving it a go… even if it is just for the sheer wellness factor of it. I need some yoga for my brain! I really wish we had an off-switch!
Back to England… the two weeks just flew by and we fitted in so many wonderful things. Visits to see friends and family…. a couple of days at the beach…. outings to National Trust houses and grounds… the Heavy Horse Centre… gardens and nurseries… shopping… etc etc. I was sad that I didn’t get chance to see Catherine, but I just completely ran out of time. I really need to plan to stay for 3 weeks rather than just two. It goes by too quickly and I never get chance to catch up with absolutely everyone.
Here are a few photos from the trip….
A very dear friend of ours is a pilot for British Airways. He very kindly got Gwennie and I upgraded to Club class on our flight back to Florida. It was amaaaaaaaazing! Such a treat!
The only down side was that my poor Mum broke her ankle the day before we had to fly home. Poor thing! Absolute nightmare.
Before I went to the UK, Julie put me in touch with a penpal from the Grieve Out Loud website. I was able to stay in contact with Elaine whilst away and we are still writing to each other. She is a wonderful lady and yesterday she sent me a beautiful photograph of Henry’s name (written by her little girl) by Niagara Falls. It is just gorgeous! Thank you, Elaine! Do go over and give her blog a visit sometime.
And yet another dear friend sent me a wonderful email and photo from her vacation in Georgia. She walked into an art gallery and saw a picture painted by a woman who had lost her baby. She thought of me and so took a snapshot and sent it. It really is a gorgeous piece of art…
So yes, I have enjoyed a good week of getting back with friends over here and sorting my emotions out. I really am very blessed to have some great people in my life… including my husband who is just fantastic! I’m so lucky.
In other news…. Gwennie gave up her ba-bas (dummies/pacifiers) this week! She had her first visit to the dentist last week. Her teeth look fab, but the ba-bas had to go, so we went to Build-a-Bear and put all the ba-bas in Hello Kitty’s tummy! It was a tough day or two, but she has been so brave and has done really well! Such a big girl now! I am super proud of her!
Last post….
…for a couple of weeks! Gwennie and I fly to the UK tomorrow to stay with my Mum. I will try and post if my Mum has an Internet connection in her temporary living accomodation.
Please say some prayers for us as Miss G still has her ear infection. Took her to the Doc’s again today and we are now on antibiotic #3. Suckage! I do hope she won’t be in pain on the flight. I am really worried about her. We have pain meds, ear drops, and lollipops! Wish us luck!
Thank you to everyone who offered words of love, support, and wisdom to my previous post. I really appreciate it. Am feeling a bit better today. Glad to get away and have some R&R with my Mum.
See/talk to you soon, dear bloggy friends. I love you all!
The Loathing
I woke up this morning and promptly burst into tears. I don’t know why I had this stupid feeling that I may be pregnant this month, but I did. I dared to believe that a miracle might happen and then I wake up in the middle of the night and realise I was just premenstrual after all. I am so angry and full of resentment this morning. While I try to be cool and chill about it all every time it comes to “that time”, I can’t help but wonder and hope. I am sick of having my dreams dashed already. There will be no baby next month either as I will be thousands of miles away from my husband for 2 weeks, so unless immaculate conception is order of the day, it just ain’t happening.
I just want to know if I am not meant to have another baby. I wish I could just look into a crystal ball and see that. Just let me know so I can get on with my life and not get upset each month. Right now, I am just feeling old and worthless. I know that is a ridiculous thing to say and I am so grateful for my darling little Gwennie. I am going to be 38 this year and Bill, 47. We are no spring chickens and I know that is a factor in all of this.
Ugh. I am just really pissed off this morning. And the only way I can let out my feelings is by writing here. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.
Of birthdays and magical things!
Well, I have been terrible about updating and keeping up with everyone’s blogs as of late. Thank goodness for Facebook, as I can keep up with so many dear friends there on a daily basis.
Life has just been so hectic and I am totally pooped out! I am really looking forward to going and seeing my Mum in the UK in a few weeks’ time! YAY!
Firstly, I want to send out congratulations to some of my amazing babyloss mummy friends out there who are all expecting rainbow bebes! So exciting!!!!!! Dear Heather, Jessica, Lori, Franchesca (just had her gorgeous baby boy!!!), and Kate…. I am so thrilled for you all and I am thinking of you every day and praying for beautiful, healthy pregnancies and happy, healthy babies.
All is well this end. The buyer for our house had to pull out unfortunately. He couldn’t get financing, so we are back to square one.
My dear friend Petra very kindly sent Gwennie two of her beautiful boxes the other week. They are so delicate and pretty. Gwennie loves them and we have her hair barrettes in one and bands in another. They both sit perfectly on her dressing/changing table. Danke vielmas, Petra! Du bist ein Schatz!
Gwennie just had her 3rd birthday (May 18th). I can’t believe my little fairy is 3!!!!!! We had a wonderful few days. On Saturday we had a party for her here at the house. I hired a clown called Sugar Bee, who was completely adorable and all the kids loved her! Gwennie had about 10 little friends over, along with their folks and some other grown-up friends and family. It was a lovely day. Sugar Bee painted all the kids faces and did balloon twisting and a puppet show, and party games. It was fab!
On Sunday, Gwennie had her first dance recital. It was so precious. She and her little classmates did a mini-routine to the Lion King’s “Can You Feel The Love Tonight”. I managed to stop myself from blubbering all over the place! She just looked so precious and I was so bloody proud of her!
On her actual birthday, we took her to Disney’s Magic Kingdom. It was her first time going to this park. Oh my goodness…. she just had THE BEST time! She is all about the Disney Fairies and Princesses, and so highlight of the day was meeting Belle, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty! She wanted to go on all the rides too and was completely fearless! She fell in love with Donald during Mickey’s Philarmagic Show and we came home with Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse toys. She did so well and kept going from 9am-4pm!!!! Needless to say she crashed out in the car on the drive home!
It was such a magical day!
Bill and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on May 6th. We are lucky (and greedy!) in the fact that we get two anniversaries a year. We had our civil ceremony in our back garden on the dock on May 6th 2005… the same day that I graduated from Nursing School. Then we had our “big white wedding do” on October 15th 2005, where all my friends and family flew over from Europe to join us and Bill’s family for a big knees-up! Five years ago on May 6th….
I am so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life… Bill is such a great person, a loving husband, a fabulous father, and the best best friend!
Gwennie finishes school for the summer next Tuesday. She got a glowing report card from her teacher! Bless her little heart. Apparently she has a loving and kind spirit. Yeah, well I knew that already!
Bill and I were asked by the HEAL support group we attended last year, when we lost Henry, to go back next week and be a guest couple to their latest group. Sadly, we are unable to get a babysitter for Gwen so we have had to decline this time. Hopefully we will get another opportunity.
I am now looking forward to a summer of fun… trips to England, North Carolina, and Las Vegas! YAY!!!
Life After Henry... 