A year ago this week…
…I was lying in a hospital bed, spending one of four days labouring to deliver my dead son.
A year.
I can’t believe it!
Where did that time go?
And what a year it has been. So many emotions and up and downs, but here I sit.
A year later and we have just moved house. I feel like we have moved into our dream home. It hasn’t quite hit me yet that this place is really ours. It is gorgeous, spacious, has a lovely pool, and some land around us… a fabulous play room for Gwennie… and place to finally have friends and family come visit and stay with us if they wish.
I have spent a year craving to have another positive pregnancy test, and I finally I feel at peace with not having one.
I feel for the first time in a year that I am really enjoying Gwennie. I am finally focusing 110% on her and it feels so good. I’m not going to drag on myself for not doing that all along… I was grieving, for crying out loud.
I feel content. I have great parents and good friends around me. I have a fantastic husband who I adore. Gwennie is my everything. She is just the dearest little soul… so kind and sweet and funny and I love being with her. I no longer feel like I am lacking in some area.
Yes, I am sitting here with tears running down my face because I am remembering Henry. I hate that we couldn’t keep him. I hate that he is gone. I hate that we won’t be celebrating his birthday. I miss him. I wonder all the time what kind of baby he would have been. Would he have been colicky and fussy like Miss G was for the first 3 months? Would he have been an angel baby? If we had had him and he had been handicapped, how would we have coped? Would we have been good enough parents to him? If he had have survived birth, would he have stayed with us for long or not? So many things.
But I feel relieved to say that right now… a year on and I just feel a sad kind of quiet. No manic yearnings… no anger… no resentment towards other pregnant friends… I am just me.
And I hope to God it lasts because I can deal with this.
So this week, I am lighting my candle every day in the lead up to Henry’s birthday… October 2nd.
Henry, we love you and miss you and we wish you were here, but we hope you are in a better place. You are always with us in our hearts.
I love you, my darling little man. I will never, ever forget you. You are always a part of our family and you always will be.
myskytimes said,
September 30, 2010 at 4:07 am
Oh honey… will be thinking about you and your family today. And light Sky’s candle for Henry tonight. Can’t believe it’s already a year…
Glad you sound OK (and content in your new lovely house). Talk more soon…
Big loves, my friend! xoxoxo
Jessica said,
September 30, 2010 at 5:49 am
*hugs* I am thinking of you. Its amazing how fast time flies.
Lots of love to you
galfromaway said,
September 30, 2010 at 7:37 am
Has it really been that long? Wow… I can’t believe a year has passed… You and Bill and Gwen are in my thoughts today, and sending smiles to Henry as well.
It’s a relief to hear that you’re in a good place right now. I wish your heart a little less aching, and that you do some little things to honour yourself and Henry.
Love you lots.
Hugs galore!
Heather said,
September 30, 2010 at 10:46 am
I will be remembering Henry with you this week. I’m glad you’ve found a state of peace and contentment, and I also hope it stays with you.
(((hugs)))
julie said,
September 30, 2010 at 7:18 pm
this is beautiful mama. it’s so good to read your words — we miss you (and mr. henry) so much!
i think we’re both in the exact same spot, emotionally. and i’m glad to have someone like you in my life. don’t ever be a stranger!
(you’ll get that second line. don’t you worry! for now, take care of that gorgeous daughter, hubby and house of yours. it’s comin’…!)
sending all my love,
j:
Jan said,
September 30, 2010 at 7:19 pm
I’m glad you have found some peace and contentment at last and I know that your little angel boy would want that for you too. I hope that your lovely new home will give you all the fresh start you need to cope with your loss and to move forward. It’s been a difficult year for you I know, but Henry will remain deep in your heart forever. I will light my special candle and remember him, and send my love and hugs to you, Bill and Gwennie xoxoxoxoxox
Catherine W said,
October 1, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Glad you’ve settled into your new place and that you are enjoying your beautiful Gwennie.
You and your beloved Henry will be in my thoughts, especially tomorrow. C xo
Linda Hartley said,
October 3, 2010 at 4:45 pm
Time passes …but Love stays always and forever …xxxxxx
sending mine to you all …especially to sweet little Henry up in Heaven .
Thinking of you and am happy for you my darlings…both in your beautiful new home and new found peacefulness of hearts .
Linda xxxxx