A year ago this week…
…I was lying in a hospital bed, spending one of four days labouring to deliver my dead son.
A year.
I can’t believe it!
Where did that time go?
And what a year it has been. So many emotions and up and downs, but here I sit.
A year later and we have just moved house. I feel like we have moved into our dream home. It hasn’t quite hit me yet that this place is really ours. It is gorgeous, spacious, has a lovely pool, and some land around us… a fabulous play room for Gwennie… and place to finally have friends and family come visit and stay with us if they wish.
I have spent a year craving to have another positive pregnancy test, and I finally I feel at peace with not having one.
I feel for the first time in a year that I am really enjoying Gwennie. I am finally focusing 110% on her and it feels so good. I’m not going to drag on myself for not doing that all along… I was grieving, for crying out loud.
I feel content. I have great parents and good friends around me. I have a fantastic husband who I adore. Gwennie is my everything. She is just the dearest little soul… so kind and sweet and funny and I love being with her. I no longer feel like I am lacking in some area.
Yes, I am sitting here with tears running down my face because I am remembering Henry. I hate that we couldn’t keep him. I hate that he is gone. I hate that we won’t be celebrating his birthday. I miss him. I wonder all the time what kind of baby he would have been. Would he have been colicky and fussy like Miss G was for the first 3 months? Would he have been an angel baby? If we had had him and he had been handicapped, how would we have coped? Would we have been good enough parents to him? If he had have survived birth, would he have stayed with us for long or not? So many things.
But I feel relieved to say that right now… a year on and I just feel a sad kind of quiet. No manic yearnings… no anger… no resentment towards other pregnant friends… I am just me.
And I hope to God it lasts because I can deal with this.
So this week, I am lighting my candle every day in the lead up to Henry’s birthday… October 2nd.
Henry, we love you and miss you and we wish you were here, but we hope you are in a better place. You are always with us in our hearts.
I love you, my darling little man. I will never, ever forget you. You are always a part of our family and you always will be.
