Distance
I went in for my annual check up at my OBGYN’s this morning. I haven’t been there since we lost Henry last year. It was so hard walking through those doors and see the girls at reception and the nurses and my Doc. I took Gwennie with me, so I was able to focus on her and not burst into tears like an idiot. (“Don’t ask me what I have been up to, for God’s sake!” I think. The first thing they ask, “So what have you been up to?” Ugh. Trying to get over my dead son. Yes, it still hurts like buggery. Thanks.) All looks well on the outside. I did talk with Doc a little a bit about our inability to get pregnant and he said to keep at it for a few more months and if we still have no joy then to come back and see him.
I had an interesting meeting with the acupuncturist yesterday. I really like her. She was very sweet but no BS. She explained a lot to me and it was fascinating to hear what she thought might be the issue. Bottom line is that she has got me on some blood builders as she thinks I am deficient in nutrient-rich blood and once I start my next cycle we are going to meet up for weekly acupuncture sessions. She thinks I am completely tense and stressed post-ovulation and that I am stalling implantation. Fabulous! She has encouraged Bill to come in too. When I gave her his brief medical history, she just raised her eyebrows and said that, basically, more often than not it is a two-way street and that there are frequently imbalances with both the female and the male. Thankfully, I have an awesome hubby who is open to looking into this and hopefully he will go and have a bash at the old needles too.
I know I haven’t been great at writing posts and keeping up with people’s blogs at the moment. I am feeling a need to distance myself for some reason. It’s hard to focus on anything else but our goals right now. It still hurts like hell when people tell me they are pregnant…. and I feel so damned selfish and such a bad person for feeling that way, but I just do. I can’t help it. So I feel the need to protect myself and I do that by closing off to any possible hurtful factors. I certainly know that people don’t want to hurt my feelings. I’m just broken.
It sounds so crazy but I feel like I am in limbo… like I have lost my sense of purpose. If I am not to have another child then I need to get on and do something that brings me purpose and fulfillment. Right now, I am not sure what that is.
galfromaway said,
July 15, 2010 at 7:54 am
Oh Sarah… I can so relate to how much it hurts to hear someone is pregnant, even though I haven’t gone through the loss you have. It’s hard to think that someone else is able to conceive a child and I can’t. I’m genuinely happy for them, but selfishly upset and jealous. Which isn’t helping.
The tension and stress post-ovulation thing… that sounds like something I need to work on changing…
I’m still hopeful for both of us. Please let me know how the acupuncture goes – I’ve been thinking about trying that, but am nervous about the needles.
****hugs**** Hang in there, my friend.
lovinghenry said,
July 15, 2010 at 9:17 am
Love you, Dawna, and totally understand how you must be suffering.
I will definitely let you know how the acupuncture goes. I have had two girlfriends swear by it. One was unable to get pregnant for 3 years and she got pregnant after having 2 months of acupuncture!
*hugz back*
galfromaway said,
July 15, 2010 at 9:21 am
Love you lots, Sarah. And I wish so much for the both of us.
That’s good to hear about the acupuncture – I’ve found a place near work that I may look into, and my coworker/officemate gave me the name of a woman who helps with setting up a detox for you, so I may look into that as well.
It probably doesn’t help that we’ve been trying to conceive in the six-ish months leading up to our wedding. *laugh* That’s not a stressful time at all!
****hugs****
lovinghenry said,
July 15, 2010 at 9:23 am
LOL! Dawna, you’re a hoot!
The detox sounds amazing. See if you can find an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility issues. I hear that’s helpful too.
galfromaway said,
July 15, 2010 at 9:28 am
Gotta try to keep a sense of humour, right?
Hee hee!
I’ll let you know how the detox thing works out, and it looks like there’s an acupuncturist at the place Steve goes for chiro that specializes in fertility, along with a couple of other places to check out too.
Jessica said,
July 15, 2010 at 8:36 am
oh Sarah *huge hugs* I have been thinking about you lately and haven’t seen much on your blog so I really haven’t known how you were doing and didn’t want to pry. Acupuncture is wonderful and I believe it will help you. I am praying for you and Bill. Lots and lots of love and hugs from here
lovinghenry said,
July 15, 2010 at 9:18 am
Bless you, Jess. You can ALWAYS pry! You are one of the first women I was really able to reach out to when I lost Henry and I think so much of you. xoxo
Heather said,
July 15, 2010 at 11:03 am
Oh sweetie, I can only imagine how much your hurt right now. I’m just praying you get that BFP soon, and I really hope acupuncture helps things along. I have heard really great things about it. You really deserve this so much!
julie said,
July 15, 2010 at 12:56 pm
distance makes the heart grow stronger (or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.)
i talked with one of my aunts the other day. told her we were taking a break from making babies and plain and simple she said to me “maybe you aren’t suppose to have children.”
it hurt like hell.
but you are NOT one of those people. your family will continue to multiply, don’t you worry. you’ve had this time to travel, connect and meet new people. it hasn’t been wasted. you are doing amazing things.
always here for you. in the same boat
Linda Hartley said,
July 15, 2010 at 1:15 pm
I hear you ..and know how hard it all is for you my sweetheart . I definitely think you are on the right track ..the acupunture will help and focusing inwards ..and relaxing as much as possible ..its ok to stop those spinning thoughts you know . I am struggling a bit myself at the moment and am trying to get my own head back on straight ..maybe just depressed ..oh I wish we could hang out and talk it all over ..your shit and my shit …sigh !I hate this long disance ..only over the internet stuff .
I love you very much my darling and so love watching the cute vids of Gwennie always brings a huge smile …
Life is not easy eh …thank goodness for our friends and loved ones ..
Love you ..stay strong ..and keep your chin up my beautiful .
Linda xxxx
lovinghenry said,
July 16, 2010 at 2:01 pm
I’m so sorry you are having a tough time, Linda. What’s going on, my love? Anything I can do to help?
I wish we lived closer too! The miles are a bloody pain sometimes, aren’t they?
I love you too! Huge hugs! xoxo
Jan said,
July 15, 2010 at 5:09 pm
I feel your pain sweetheart. You are brave and wonderful and I admire you for seeking ways to help you through this. I hope and pray the acupuncture will help and I hope Bill will go along too. Your acupuncturist sounds great and hopefully if she can sort out your imbalances and help you to relax, all will be well. Thinking of you darling and sending you huge hugz (((((((((())))))))))))))
Catherine W said,
July 15, 2010 at 5:50 pm
Oh Sarah you aren’t selfish or a bad person. Or if you are, I’ll join and we can be selfish together!
Those last few sentences really sum how I have been feeling recently too. If I knew it was not be, I could find another way forward. I’m also not sure what this is but I know I will come up with something else. But while there is still a little hope, I’m not quite ready to let go of my thoughts of another child.
The acupuncture sounds great and yup, Bill is totally amazing to even consider all those needles. I don’t think my hubs would ever be persuaded! I just really hope it helps my dear. You are such an amazing woman and I can see, even from all the way over here back in Blighty, what a wonderful, wonderful mother you are. x
Lori said,
July 17, 2010 at 8:36 pm
You have to do what you have to do so you can function and survive!! I’ve pulled back a bit too…too many things to worry over, cry for, be angry for…whatever…so, I just sort of withdraw a bit. It’s natural and it’s self-protection!
HOORAY for the acupuncture! I’m excited for you for that!! I think it’ll be fabulous! I love it!
xoxoxo