Distance
I went in for my annual check up at my OBGYN’s this morning. I haven’t been there since we lost Henry last year. It was so hard walking through those doors and see the girls at reception and the nurses and my Doc. I took Gwennie with me, so I was able to focus on her and not burst into tears like an idiot. (“Don’t ask me what I have been up to, for God’s sake!” I think. The first thing they ask, “So what have you been up to?” Ugh. Trying to get over my dead son. Yes, it still hurts like buggery. Thanks.) All looks well on the outside. I did talk with Doc a little a bit about our inability to get pregnant and he said to keep at it for a few more months and if we still have no joy then to come back and see him.
I had an interesting meeting with the acupuncturist yesterday. I really like her. She was very sweet but no BS. She explained a lot to me and it was fascinating to hear what she thought might be the issue. Bottom line is that she has got me on some blood builders as she thinks I am deficient in nutrient-rich blood and once I start my next cycle we are going to meet up for weekly acupuncture sessions. She thinks I am completely tense and stressed post-ovulation and that I am stalling implantation. Fabulous! She has encouraged Bill to come in too. When I gave her his brief medical history, she just raised her eyebrows and said that, basically, more often than not it is a two-way street and that there are frequently imbalances with both the female and the male. Thankfully, I have an awesome hubby who is open to looking into this and hopefully he will go and have a bash at the old needles too.
I know I haven’t been great at writing posts and keeping up with people’s blogs at the moment. I am feeling a need to distance myself for some reason. It’s hard to focus on anything else but our goals right now. It still hurts like hell when people tell me they are pregnant…. and I feel so damned selfish and such a bad person for feeling that way, but I just do. I can’t help it. So I feel the need to protect myself and I do that by closing off to any possible hurtful factors. I certainly know that people don’t want to hurt my feelings. I’m just broken.
It sounds so crazy but I feel like I am in limbo… like I have lost my sense of purpose. If I am not to have another child then I need to get on and do something that brings me purpose and fulfillment. Right now, I am not sure what that is.
